Top Ten Insane Things I Did Most Days In 2008:

1. spent twenty minutes reading, trying to ignore the tiny scrap of paper on the floor, the crumb on the table or the blinking light on modem, until my head felt like it was going to explode, and I realized I'd read the same three words over and over. Finally I got up and picked up the paper or crumb -- or moved the modem to face the wall.

2. watched my wife throw a tissue in the toilet that she'd just used to wipe off some lipstick. Had to flush and wait for the flush to finish so that I wouldn't pee on the toilet paper.

3. double-checked that the front door was locked before going to bed; then went upstairs, got into bed and got under the covers. Couldn't sleep because I kept thinking maybe I only imagined I'd locked the door. Finally couldn't stand it and went downstairs to check the door. Went back upstairs, tried to sleep, once again worried that I hadn't ACTUALLY locked the door...

4. got bent out of shape because someone next to me on the subway was humming really quietly. I could just barely hear it. But I couldn't stop hearing it. I couldn't think about anything else except for the humming. If it's not someone humming, it's someone drumming or shaking his leg. When I was on jury duty recently, I had trouble concentrating because the lady next to me kept shaking her leg.

5. Couldn't sleep because the sheet was rumbled under me. No matter how many times I tried to straighten it, there always seemed to be another rumple. Or I couldn't figure out what to do with one of my arms. How can I now know how to arrange my arm when I'm in bed? I've been sleeping with my arms all my life. Still, I can't figure out how to lay them so they're comfortable.

6. Turned the volume down on the TV because it was too loud. Turned it up because it was too quiet. When it's too quiet, I strain to hear it and that gives me a headache. When it's too loud, it feels like a tumor in my head. But I can't get it just right. Just right seems to be in-between two volume settings that are right next to each other. The remote won't let me set it to in between. It bothers me just as much when I'm not even paying attention -- when my wife's watching. I say, "It's a little mumbly. Can you turn it up? Now it's too load. Can you turn it down?" She sighs.

7. little specks of dust on my iphone screen drive me crazy. I try to wipe them off, but every time I do, rubbing the screen scrolls the text or starts up an application.

8. I can't stop itching. I try to just let the itch itch. I say that no matter what, I won't scratch it. After about three minutes, I feel like I'm going to blow a gasket, so I scratch. Then I get another itch somewhere else. I realize that I'll keep having itches as long as I think about itches. How do I stop thinking about them?

9. I'm watching one of those commercials where there's an extreme close up of someone talking to me about their upset stomach. I feel like they're invading my space. I tell them to back the fuck up. I don't get why they think I care about their heartburn. I don't KNOW them. "I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU," I scream. "BACK UP!"

10. I lay in bed at night and an image of a spoon comes into my mind. It's bent. I try to mentally straighten it out. It won't straighten. This bothers me. It's an imaginary spoon, and I'm the one imagining it. I should be able to straighten it out. But it won't straighten. So I try to put it out of my mind. But I can't stop seeing the bent spoon.